"I'm really not ready for commitment." That's the line Bob Jennings of Everett, WA, uses when he begins dating someone new. Fresh from a dicey divorce, Jennings explains that he wants to find a partner for life — eventually — but plans on taking his time to avoid another mistake.
Problem is, despite his well-intentioned honesty, Jennings' no-strings tactic doesn't seem to be working; he routinely finds himself causing heartache and wonders how he's managed to hurt so many feelings while trying to meet his soul mate.
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"The best way to figure out who's right for you — especially if you're interested in making another serious commitment — is to try to get to know a variety of different personalities," says Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., professor of sociology at the University of Washington and author of Everything You Know About Love and Sex is Wrong. "The problem is, everyone wants monogamy at different points in a relationship, and if one person is feeling more invested than the other, you'll run into conflict." For Jennings and others, these thorny relationships start simply enough. "I find a woman who seems interesting, we go on six or seven dates, have good chemistry, and sometimes even sleep together." That's when things often begin to fall apart: When the relationship becomes intimate. One person nudges toward commitment, his or her date explains that he or she isn't ready to settle down, and, since there seems to be no middle ground, both often carry on with two different sets of expectations that go unfulfilled. In the end, no one gets what they want. "It's really uncomfortable," says Jennings. "Sometimes I feel that it's better to be alone than to date people and hurt their feelings." Fortunately, there are guidelines for navigating the game without coming off as uncaring.
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